A Grief Revisited

My paternal grandpa died on Wednesday 9/26/2018 and his funeral was on Monday 10/1/2018.

People mean well…but sometimes they don’t say or do things well.

So, please, read these words as someone going through loss and from a heart of wanting each and every one of us to come away better than when we started. These points may come across as me being “nitpicky” or “cranky,” but they are to teach us all to be better at helping each other grieve even a little bit better.

Don’t say, “I’m sorry.”

I understand the gesture and the intent, but they are empty and hollow words to someone grieving. They are words meant for the person speaking them as a way of filling the space that seems to need to be filled.

Instead, offer a hug or a handshake — we know what you mean by it and that seems more comforting than an empty phrase. Or let us know how much you cared about the deceased, how much you love us, and/or that you are there for us if we need you. Those go a long way to comforting someone rather than knowing that you feel bad for us.

“God has a plan.”

While this may be true (and some may not believe it to be true — and for them this statement becomes a bitter pill to swallow), it is of no comfort for the pain and suffering that is going on in the here and now.

Whether you mean to or not, by saying this phrase to someone who is grieving you are implicitly denying them their right to feel the way they do.

This common phrase we throw around at viewings and funerals can carry a lot more weight than we think.

As a sub-note to this point, this phrase also implies if a person has died of sickness, cancer, at a young age, or in a violent way, then God is the one who has caused this death.

Maybe some people are okay with that — but personally, I am not. End sub-note.

“God will help you through this time.”

See above for reasons why this phrase isn’t all that helpful and can actually be a little bit destructive.

While it may be true, it either denies our feelings or implies we shouldn’t feel bad or else we don’t have enough faith. Not what someone needs in the midst of grief.

“He/she/they were a good person.”

No one would ever come to a viewing or a funeral and complain and trash talk about the person who died.

Well, not anyone that you should want anything to do with.

So why do people feel the need to remind us our loved one was a good person? We probably already believe or know that to be true. This becomes a space-filler because, once again, people don’t feel comfortable with silence.

Again, good-intentioned, but not all good intentions produce good fruit.

Not pulling over for a funeral procession.

Boy, howdy.

This one is a HUGE pet peeve.

The disrespect. The blatant disrespect!

If there is a funeral procession, then pull over. If it is on a road with multiple lanes, then you DO NOT PASS THEM! A funeral procession takes a couple minutes to pass through any location — so how hard is it to honor those who are grieving and pull over or stop and let them by.

And would it kill you to smile, wave, or heck — even nod. Just be courteous.

A Grief Disturbed

I have had nearly 2 years to mull this over and reorganize my thoughts. I still feel upset about some of the phrases people say to me when it comes to grief. I am still sensitive about people not being respectful during funeral processions.

Initially, I didn’t want to be rude.

Now, though, I see the need for each of us to be reminded of the mind of a person who is processing grief, if only in the briefest of ways in this article. I pray we all can be kind to those of us who suffer in silence.