Thankful for a Second Chance

My first daughter was born in 2018 via an emergency C-section due to a prolapsed umbilical cord.

I wasn’t able to be in the room when my daughter was born, when my wife had to be put under general anesthesia, when my daughter spent her first twenty minutes of life with a bunch of strangers.

While I waited having no idea what was going on, why my wife was having a C-section, or if either of them were going to be alright.

The good news: everything turned out fine!

Then, we found out we were pregnant with our second child in March 2020!

In fact, it was only a couple days later we were told to stay in our homes, only leave for necessities, and wear face masks anywhere and everywhere.

Life went from being filled with excitement to fear in a hot second. I am sure many of you know the feeling.

But, not all was bad!

The better news: our baby was healthy, progressing and growing normally, and we were having another baby girl!

We were thrilled! Weeks turned into months and, before we knew it, our due date had arrived.

And went right on by.

One day.

Two days.

Three days.

Finally, at forty weeks and six days, time to go to the hospital and start the TOLAC (trial of labor after Cesarean).

We did not have a great birth experience with our first daughter. Having a natural birth this time around came with some potential complications, but my wife was looking as if everything was going in a positive direction this time around!

Then, after hours of waiting, the pace quickened quite a bit! We went from being hours away from delivery to having to stop pushing during contractions to give the doctor time to get there to deliver the baby!

Born after 41 weeks, a full week past her due date, Charlotte came into the world and took her first breath of air!

Thankful can’t even begin to describe how we felt. How I felt.

After my first daughter was born, something strange happened. Rather than feel love and excitement about having my first child, I felt sad and empty and hopeless.

I ran head first into Paternal Postpartum Depression.

As Charlotte came closer and closer to her due date a sense of dread loomed over me.

“Would I fall into this depression again? What would happen this time? What would I feel?”

Just as there were complications surrounding the birth of my firstborn, there were complications surrounding my mental and emotional health after the birth of my firstborn.

When Charlotte was born and everything was okay I felt such relief.

I know this may seem a strange emotion to feel after watching the birth of your child, but it was my most immediate reaction.

As we stayed at the hospital and then brought Charlotte home my second hurdle has loomed over my head.

I have been living in the shadows of my experiences from our first birth.

As of this writing, Charlotte is eight days old. While I have felt grumpy and tired and stressed and exhausted, I have also felt joy and love and compassion. The key word here being “felt.”

I didn’t feel much of anything shortly after our firstborn arrived. To feel something this time around, good or bad, was a second sense of relief.

So, what am I most thankful for right now and for this year?

I am thankful for overcoming the hurdles of my past, for the state of my mental and emotional health, and for the health of my two beautiful daughters and my amazing wife.

I know how events could have gone the exact opposite for all three of these…because they all went wrong back in 2018.

In the mess of this life of 2020, everything went right this time around for this one event in our life — and it was a critical one to me personally for so many reasons.

So, the best news:
I am thankful for not living in the shadow of my past birth experience.
I am thankful for having a wonderful, happy, healthy family.
I am thankful for being in a healthy mental and emotional state in spite of everything falling to pieces around us all.

I. Am. So. Thankful.

…

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